25 Things of Importance from My 25th Year

I kicked off the 25th year by going to the Red Bull Flugtag in Saint Paul.  Grown adults, about 6-8 per team, build falling flying machines and throw them into fly them over the Mississippi river.  Very fantastic way to celebrate one's birthday!

Brewhouse Triathlon in Duluth, MN.  This trip also included my first time swimming in Lake Superior and a chance to see the beautiful tall ships in a special event in the Duluth Harbor. 

The Muddy Buddy Race, where I learned that ski slopes are for skiing and mountain bikes are heavy.

A pop/rock concert with my grandma at the Target Center (American Idol on Tour).

Two lovely camping trips to the North Shore with two lovely friends, one of which who has a gift for cooking over a fire.

A trip to our nation's capitol, which I think should be called the City of Learning.  You cannot possibly be seeing Washington, DC right if you do not learn something.  Also got to see an exhibit by one of my favorite contemporary American artists, Chuck Close.

Defended my Masters thesis on a sunny Tuesday afternoon.

(So I am using my calendar to make sure I don't miss any important events) I wrote "Christmas Tree Extravaganza" on a weekend in December and at first couldn't figure out what on earth that meant.  But then I remembered: it means even as an adult, there is something very safe and a bit magical about getting to go to the home where you grew up, even if it is only 15 miles from your current home.

Right away into the new year I met someone who weekly reminds me to 'chill out,' taught me to play frisbee golf, also has good taste in beer, tells wonderful stories from around the world, routinely emails me "must hear this" music, and provides a lot of perspective when things feel chaotic.

The ladies of the family took a clay tiles class.  The lesson? Canvas and paint just makes more sense to me, but I did walk away with at least one awesome coaster and a cool trivet.

Had an article I wrote about going to ASA Fastpitch Nationals as a young teenager published in the ASA Softball magazine.

Weekend trip to Fort Myers, Florida to watch Twins Spring Training, hang out with two fabulous ladies, and eat delicious seafood at quirky restaurants.

Moved into my first "on my own" apartment in a quiet Saint Paul neighborhood.  Quickly discovered how expensive that is. 

Celebrated Mom's first 5K finish at the Get in Gear 5K at Minnehaha Park!

Toured local brewery, Surly, and fell in love with their story (I was already in love with the beer).

Bought a kitty.  Rescued a kitty.  I already can't remember what my home was like before he walked under my feet, meowed constantly, and left little bits of shredded [fill in with: paper, cardboard, styrofoam, flowers, spider plant]. 

Celebrated the graduation of 2 lawyers, a dentist, and a physical therapist.  My friends are freakishly smart.

Traveled to Decorah, IA for good beer and a lot of potato salad, good friends, a trombone quartet in a farm garage (as deer ran across the field- no kidding!), and 5 people in a tent.  Oh, and a dog the size of a horse. 

A long and trying few weeks responding to the North Minneapolis Tornado.  Today, I am proud to have been a small piece of the puzzle that helped bring the needed resources to those affected and hopefully in the coming months we will see a stronger Northside. 

Personal best time at the Buffalo Triathlon. Thank you, less hilly bike course!

Hung my first art show at the Minneapolis Skyway Senior Center.  Apparently drew a lot of opinions from some of Minneapolis's most experienced citizens...

Went to several Twins games (finally seeing Target Field) but the highlight had to be watching one from a suite.  Nothing makes me a fan like free food and cushy seats.

Enjoyed the Ordway's production of "Guys and Dolls" with Mom and Kim for Mother's Day/Kim's birthday.

Accepted and sponsored to present my work at a national summit in Atlanta, GA.

Started selling artwork on Etsy.  Sold 2 so far, although only to people I know...

It's been a good year.  I am feeling ready to head into the next quarter century!

Drugging Your Cat and Other Thursday Night Things To Do

A few weeks ago-- maybe even over a month now-- I became the owner/feeder/keeper of this charming orange ball of fury kitty.

This model of cat (who I named Jasper, after Jasper Johns who is a famous American artist) comes complete with 20 extremely sharp claws, a mouthful of needle sharp teeth, and one giant attitude.  Unfortunately, right after I got him, I was involved in the tornado response in North Minneapolis and any sense of regularity and schedule he and I had started to develop was totally destroyed.

Since then, we have had a series of minor, but no less annoying, owner-cat issues.  Some hyperactivity, some aggression, some attempts to destroy things that I would rather not have destroyed thankyouverymuch.  I tried feeding him more, and then less, and then different. We have reestablished a schedule, as much as possible.  We play for no less than 15 minutes every morning and every night.

And yet, the following things have happened this week:

1. At one point in the evening, I found him completely underneath my area rug in the living room.

2. He climbed through the blinds.  And then got stuck.

3. He wedged himself in the space between the storm window and the inside window. And then got stuck. 

4. He jumped onto the shower curtain rod. And then got stuck.

5. He spent 45 minutes at 3 AM jumping on the wall after a dead bug and letting the pads of his feet squeeeeeak all the way down the wall on his way back to the floor, where he landed with a thud! and a MEOW! before promptly jumping again. 

6. My feet have been attacked while I was doing the following: sweeping, sleeping, stepping into the shower, stepping out of the shower, coming into my apartment, leaving the apartment, sitting on the couch, feeding the cat.

And the truthiest truth  is that I love him for his quirks and the strange trouble he gets himself into. But tonight I was at Petco and I saw these treats (he loves a tuna treat!) that help calm cats.  Like, uh, kitty Xanax.  I had actually been told about this once before-- some herbal supplements to basically get your cat to just chill the eff out.  And I was totally against it! I wasn't going to drug my cat! I was simply going to love the bad behavior right out of him! 

At the moment I was walking away, I remembered a story a grad school classmate told me about traveling when she was a child.  When she was little her parents used to give all their kids Benadryl or some other drowsy-making medication that made them all zonk out for the duration of a flight or road trip.  So the kids basically had no recollection of traveling-- just being in new places.  It's not that these parents didn't love their kids, they just also valued their own sanity.  So for $5.99 I thought I would just try it, and if I ended up with some doped up, tuna treat addict for a cat, we could stop. Enter him into detox, and then stop, really.

I walked into the apartment at 5:47 PM and the moment of truth occurred just before 6 PM.  And guess what? He wasn't doped up, he didn't just crash and sleep the whole night.  In fact, he still got in a little bit of trouble.  But he wasn't on the verge of psychosis.  More importantly, I was not on the verge of psychosis. He was playful and he even bit me once, for old time sake.  But now, as we wind down for bed he is actually winding down.  Let the choir sing.  

The packaging says I can give him 1-2 per day.  $6 per pack, 21 treats in the pack = $2 per week for a happier household that I think we are both appreciating.  I can handle that. 

You Can't Always Get What You Want, But if You Try Sometime You Find You get What You Need

Update: I got the apartment in St. Paul.  Turns out, no one else in my life had any doubt that I would pass the rigorous application process ("Please list the first and last name of both your parents.  Please list all debts you have ever or might ever consider having.  Please rank your toes in order of favorite to least favorite.")  Okay, maybe I didn't have to rank toes, but let us remember that I am now in my dreaded mid-twenties (omigoshwhathappened?) and have never applied to live in an apartment by myself.

With having never truly lived on my own, I have never had all the things one needs to completely fill an apartment. The time I did live alone in college was in a campus apartment, which was pretty much all set up with the things one would need to survive.  in 2008 entered Best Roommate Ever who owns (and uses beautifully) every kitchen gadget known to man, has furniture and decorations, rugs and plates, silverware and vintage records.  All I ever had to do was show up and we were ready.

Now that I am approximately 45 days from Step 1 to independent, mature adulthood, I realize there are things I really need for an apartment.  But for every 1 item I add to the list of things needed, I put about 2 to 4 items on the list of things wanted.  It goes like this:

Kitchen Need: Microwave.





Kitchen Want(s): Ninja Bread Men cookie cutters, fruit infusing pitcher, life vest for my wine.




Living Room Need: A Rug.



Living Room Want(s): Green head planter, metal owl, bird bookends.



The list of needs goes on: toaster, broom, garbage can, bed skirt, etc etc etc.  So you can only imagine what the list of wants looks like...

Reverb 11: February

One month in to 2011, what question(s) are you living?  Are there any prompts from Reverb10 that are still resonating in you life? Are you living new questions?


I took some much needed time this morning to read my Reverb10 posts-- I needed some time to refocus and recenter myself and I think, even though I didn't recognize it at the time, I needed to read those posts too.  The Reverb prompts are so great at challenging me to look at the good and the bad in myself, my experiences, my year and put it all in words.  Own my accomplishments, and failures too.

From all 31 posts in December, I discovered the following themes are still resonating with me and inspiring some of the things I am doing in 2011:

1. Continue to GROW even when it is painful.
2. I learn more about myself and my limits (or lack of) with every mile I RUN.
3. STOP WAITING.
4. CREATE whenever possible.  Create LAUGHTER always.
5.  Be CONFIDENT in my beauty, inside and out.
6.  CELEBRATE the little things, the lucky things, and the things that happen by chance.
7. In 24 years I have cultivated some of the most amazing RELATIONSHIPS.  Hang tight to those.
8. It's not always easy, but there's NO GIVING UP.  
9. The simplest JOYS are in front of me all the time.  There is no need to search.
10. CHANGE is inevitable.  I can resist it or I can look forward to the way it refreshes my life and the way I experience it.  One of these options is far more rewarding than the other.

For me it is easy to embrace and live 2, 4, and 6.  1, 9, and 10 come fairly naturally.  The beauty of 7 is that when I slip from it a bit, the others in those relationships pick me up.  That's how those relationships became amazing.  3, 5, and 8 require a little more practice, a few more reminders, but they too can be accomplished.  Overall, a very manageable and inspiring theme list.

Life is good.

Reverb 10.28: Achieve.

December 28-- Achieve.  What's the thing you most want to achieve next year?  How do you imagine you'll feel when you get it?  Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful?  

Achievement of 2011: Own a toaster. 

Because owning a toaster means I have moved into my first "own place." Moving in to my own place means I had the financial means to do such a thing.  Having the financial means is indicative of one of two things: I have earned and maintained gainful employment and/or have saved and spent savvy enough to afford to live on my own.  Gainful employment and saving/spending wisely means I have crossed an important threshold in the journey towards adulthood and greater independence.  And this is what 24 year old, bright, well-educated, fabulous young women are supposed to do. 

And then I am making Jesus toast.  Lots and lots and lots of Jesus toast.

Reverb 10.21: Future Self.

December 21-- Future Self.  Imagine yourself five years from now.  What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead?  (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago.  What would you tell your younger self?)

Dear Katie,
You have worked hard to get to where you are. Probably harder in the last few years than ever before, as new tasks and challenges presented themselves quite boldly and the answers didn't always come to you as naturally and easily as they once had. But that's okay because these challenges have been so good for you. They have provided you with a new perspective on what (and who) really matter. They have given you a new patience and grace with people while also reminding you that life is simply too wonderful to waste holding grudges and being angry.

While I refuse to tell you (me?) that "your real life is about to start" because everything up until this point has really been real life, I will tell you that you are balancing on the cusp of big things. Or, in triathlon terms, you are at the transition between the swim and the bike. You have survived a tough part, but there are still big hills to climb and rocky roads. There might even be a flat tire, but you can fix it. Above all, there are always other cyclists. You can always ask for help and no one who loves you is going to be disappointed that you didn't have the right answer or all of the resources. You are still young; forgive yourself the way others forgive you.

Continue working hard and do not get discouraged. Lots of things will change: your job, where you live, who you hang out with, your favorite TV show, the song that makes you drum the steering wheel. There are, however, some things about you that are just truth. Whether you like it or not. You are blunt and honest and that will please some and offend many. You are uninhibited with your stories and bring an inextinguishable energy to discussion. You are a good friend and in return you have earned the respect and love of many people who need you in much the same way that you need them. Hold tight to these truths, and do not put energy into changing them. They are the fibers of Katie, just as much as your Great-grandpa Lyle's big blue eyes, your mother's sensitivity to animals, your father's love for belly laughs, and that crazy head of messy curls that is uniquely you.

Hang in there kid.

XOXO
(Future) Katie

Reverb 10.16: Friendship.

December 16-- How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year?  Was the change gradual, or a sudden burst?


My friends have done something much more incredible this year; they have pulled off almost the miraculous.

The have changed my perspective of myself and yet left me wholly intact and still loving myself, maybe even more than before.

There's a glamorous side to having had the blessing to be successful in many of the things I have tried in life: the accomplishments.  And that's what those around you focus on; professors dote on you, employers promote you and talk about how fabulous you are as an employee and a member of the team.  You get awards and you win prizes and get to read your name in the paper and people talk about you.  You appear to be a never-ending chain of gold stars.

And there's a dark side to it: the pressure.  You inevitably become a robot to other people; someone with a perfect (or darn close) track record and suddenly not only is it unexpected that you would falter, it is not allowed.  Or at least, it feels that way.  So for most of my life, and it certainly still continues, I have worked to always be a success.  Successful at school, successful at work, successful in being happy, successful in getting my ducks in a row (or successful in making them appear so).  And it pays great dividends in all areas of life, including friendship.  And in my mind, no one wanted to be friends with a failure and I was so caught up in my life as someone successful that I didn't know what else I brought to a friendship rather than my accomplishments.  And best yet, I was even fairly accomplished at making and keeping friends.

In case you haven't picked up on the pervasive theme of my Reverb writing, 2010 was a beautiful but really tough year.  Big hurdles.  And many times I found myself not successful anymore.  I fell behind on my masters project more than once. I battled a somewhat serious lapse in mental health when insane pressure from school and saying goodbye to someone very important to me happened at the exact same time.  I have failed to find success in landing a permanent position in my field.  In fact, I have missed this success in exactly (checking email  records) 46 online applications, 4 mailed applications, 2 phone interviews, 1 personal interview, 12 rejection letters, and 2 rejection phone calls.  I have failed to find success in achieving true financial independence, but I think I might be too poor to "test the success waters."

An especially poignant memory of friends from this past year occurred right in the middle of the mental health lapse I mentioned.  A classmate was living in a beautiful home in small-town Wisconsin and over Spring Break several of us drove out there for a classic Irish St. Patrick's Day dinner, wine, perfect chats, and a old-fashioned slumber party.  For days up until this trip I had been terribly sad and terribly stressed.  I hadn't slept at all, I hadn't eaten well, I showered maybe once in four days and I am not sure I used soap.  The energy it took to just pack up and commit to go out there for one night was enormous.  I couldn't give my friends the focus they deserved; I hardly participated in anything more involved than nodding to their conversation while scratching the cat's belly.  I had totally checked out of my whole world.  And I noticed that that didn't bother them.  I told them what was going on, there may have been some tears, and they simply wrapped me up in a kind of support that said "You could do anything and this-- right here-- this is always going to exist."

And that sort of Aha! moment made me see the same in the other friendships I had.  And it didn't matter if I won first place, tripped over my feet all the way to the finish line, or simply said "Forget it.  I don't want to do this"*, all of my friends were really the truest sort and were going to forgive the little things and love me just the same.  And it allowed me to forgive the little things and love myself just the same.

It's not a different perspective on the world--I still feel horribly confused about the state of affairs on our orbiting ball.  But it's a different perspective on myself that will likely change my world and the way I act in it.

* Although, most of them know I would really never quit anything.

Reverb 10.13: Action.

December 13-- Action.  When it comes to aspirations, it's not about ideas.  It's about making ideas happen.  What's your next step?

Well, it's a little about ideas. I have to have some ideas about where I'm going and how I want to get there. Getting there by train, plane, or automobile will look much different than traveling via my own bipedal power.

I don't know entirely where I am going. I have some places I would like to go (the usual: permanent job, my own apartment, new-to-me car, big friendly dog), but I know putting all those ideas in a basket when you're not feeling terribly close to any one of them is a bit like planning an oceanliner cruise when all you can really afford is a dinghy on a trout pond.

I have noticed that some of the 'action' I have wanted to take in the past, but for some reason could not master, has sort of fallen into place in the last few months. While my personal space is still a total disaster, I am a much more organized person. I am capable of getting things done (and on time), and I making time to be responsible. I even started paying more attention to my personal budget. It's not a sexy, dreamy "change your life and write a book about it" action, but it is changing my life in a little but needed way. For people who are chronically responsible, I imagine that it is shocking to you to discover that some of us don't learn/utilize these skills until 24.

As I write this, the task list on my new phone is chastising me for being tardy on a task with an arbitrary deadline I set for myself. It just asked, "How about it, Tiger? Are you ready to get started?"

The somewhat, maybe a little, kinda "sexy, dreamy" action I would like to take next year is working a little more on marketing and selling my artwork. I get nervous about this; I don't really know (objectively) if I am actually any good and I have no idea if anyone besides my friends will buy it. But I have nearly saturated the friend market, and I really want to continue. I also get nervous about making something I love into something I do to earn money. I don't ever want art to feel like "work." After the new year, I am planning on starting by putting a few items up on Etsy, try and figure out what a fair price is (it is certainly not what I have been charging-- everyone is getting deals deals deals outta me), and figure out if I can carve out a corner of a new market for myself. This will also require me to learn how to ship very large canvases (assuming someone buys something). I look forward to that challenge!

Reverb 10.10: Wisdom.

December 10-- Wisdom.  What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

You have a drawer full of unmatch socks from which you have managed to free one black sock. Now, in a fury of flying stockings, you are frantically digging for the other black sock, brushing your teeth, still pulling your pants on the rest of the way and cursing those extra nine minutes of awful sleep you took the liberty of allowing yourself.

My wise choices are the other black sock: elusive in a big assortment of bad choices, neutral choices, and well-that-was-fun-but-let's-not-ever-do-it-agains.

2010 has a clear pair of black socks: applying for a summer internship with a local health department and getting a gym membership.

I starting looking and applying for jobs in March, knowing that things were a bit slow and for a lot of organizations that I would be interested in working with, grant dollars would be uncertain and limited. The idealist almost-grad in me (almost Master!) was holding out for the high paying full-time, permanent positions that I knew had to be out there. So when I saw the posting for a summer internship in public health preparedness for a local health department, I glossed right over it. I had convinced myself I was beyond interning and part time jobs and no financial security. As the job search got bleaker and bleaker and more classmates and professors sent me the same job notice with "Perfect for you!" in the subject line, I decided to take a stab and sent in a roughshod resume and cover letter.

Two weeks later I interviewed. Two days later I was hired for the three month summer internship with no benefits, but actually pretty good pay. Today, I have finished my first week in a promoted position with the same department. Still no benefits, still a temporary position (ending next July). But that is still 8 more months on top of the 6 previous months of gauranteed employment and experience. Invaluable to a young professional. And I got a pay raise, which could not have come soon enough as I stare down the barrel of beginning my student loan repayment next month.

The matching wise decision I made this year was to purchase a gym membership. To run.

I get on a bicycle now and then, and I occasionally dip my toes in the pool. I have even treated my lovely self to 20 minutes in the eucalyptus sauna.

But I really go to run. And of its contribution to my health and well being 20% is physical and 80% is mental. I have discussed previously how emotionally intense I can be, and I once mathematically characterized it to a friend who couldn't quite understand where I was coming from. Imagine you can experience/feel any emotion on a spectrum, let's say from 1 to 10. 1 being a slight recognition that there is a feeling, but it is so faint you aren't even sure what emotion it is. 10 being feeling every emotion via some physical manifestation; pain when I am angry or sad, restlessnes when I am joyful or scared, and fatigue when I am sad or frustrated. I would venture to guess that most people can feel emotion at all levels of the spectrum, depending on the situational context.

I am only capable of 1, 2, and 10. And 1 & 2 is like what I buzz along in when I am in traffic. Or at my cube. So anything that elicits any actual emotion in me is experienced at a 10. Every time. And that is exhausting, even when it's good emotion. And you can't operate at a 10 all the time, so instead you either sleep so as to feel nothing or you share the burden with other people, which can be distressing and exhausting for them. Running lets me leave a lot of that on trail/track/treadmill. It is the great mental and emotional equalizer; it allows me to calm down, to think about things rationally, and evaluate before I pull people into the storm.

Every pounding footstep pushes down fear and anger, every drip of sweat washes away sadness and stress, and the constant motion allows me to appropriately use up the energy that joy and nervousness build up inside me. For 35 bucks a month, I get some awesome mental health benefits, with some physical health fringe benefits. If I didn't run, I would likely have to pay someone 35 bucks an hour for the same results!

Reverb 10.8: Beautifully Different.

December 8-- Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different and you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

As a young(er) woman, I think I got a little caught up in the common mindset that beauty equals perfection. When you had achieved physical perfection (as defined by a very unclear, semi-unrealistic set of standards) and could do everything and be everything to everyone, then you were beautiful. And it turns out, attempting that and inevitably failing, is exhausting. Sorry Chaka Khan/Whitney Houston, I'm not every woman.

Happily, I can report that at the infinitely wise age of 24, there are a million things I haven't learned and that I don't do well (yet), but I have learned to recognize that I am beautiful. And further, I have recognized that it's not immodest to know that I am beautiful and to act with the confidence and poise of a beautiful woman.

Let's pretend that junior high never happened, am I right, ladies and gentlemen? There was very little about my awkwardly morphing (and yet still chubby) body, my good (but occasional backstabbing) group of friends, or the fact that I was smart and did well in school that screamed 'beauty' to my junior high self.

The earnest journey towards discovering my beauty really started when I arrived in Fargo, North Dakota as a wide-eyed and semi-panicked freshman at North Dakota State University. As the mature 'adult' I thought I was at hardly 18 years old, I was determined to take all the best parts of me and fashion them into the young woman I really wanted to be. She looked sort of like a mix of Oprah Winfrey, Katie Couric, and Mother Theresa, except probably a little sassier and less organized.

And then I fell for this boy. And the independent, strong woman in me cringes at the idea of giving any mere man credit for anything I have done, particularly a journey so focused on self-discovery. But the honest, realistic woman in me knows that our relationships give dividends far greater than our investment, including the opportunity to look at ourselves the way someone else sees us. And for the first time, I really looked at myself through the perspective of someone who thought smart was sexy, saw my creativity as true talent, and understood that my rare occasional somewhat frequent emotional outbursts (whether it was manic joy, crushing devastation, or red-hot anger) were simply part of being human and he tolerated me with patience and grace, the two qualities I most severely lack and most desperately need a partner. Above all, that relationship taught me that I deserve to be treated well, especially by the men who are lucky enough to capture my attention. It also taught me that those things that I was most self-conscious about were the best parts about me because they weren't perfect (yet) and my flaws were the most human part of me.

The journey towards discovering beauty within myself didn't end on the same crisp, fall day that that relationship 'ended'.* It actually intensified, as I was left (and now feeling a bit alone) to redefine my adult self without that other person reminding me of all that I had accomplished, all I was capable of, and how fantastic I looked in a black dress with heels. I was going to be responsible for my own self-assurance and for maintaining my own confidence.

And it turns out that wasn't so hard (although, I will give College Boyfriend some serious credit for helping to lay the foundation). And I could probably list for you several things I think are beautiful about myself: the ability to feel emotion super intensely, to talk to anyone about anything, to recognize that, sometimes, the one thing I need is my famous one woman dance party, an undying desire to give more, and some wicked blue eyes and out of control curly hair. But, like most things, the journey to beautiful has been much more meaningful.

Occasionally I pick up on hints that some of my friends might be in the throes of their very own journey to beautiful, and I hope that my openness and honesty about truly feeling beautiful and love love loving my flaws is shedding some light on their journey as well. And this is not to suggest that my journey is over, by any means. It is a constantly evolving process of learning to first accept and then appreciate the things and situations and people that were not as you expected or wanted them to be. When I let go of my expectations of things, they often turn out better than I could have imagined. And when I let go of the expectations of myself, I am turning out better than I imagined!


*It didn't really end, but simply officially became what it was turning into for some time, which was a ridiculously supportive and fabulous friendship.

Reverb 10.5: Let Go.

December 5-- Let Go.  What (or whom) have you let go this year? Why?

Please (Resist the Temptation to) Take A Number.  Finish high school and go to college (take a number).  Finish college and enroll in graduate school (take a number).  Draw out completion of Masters project past graduation date (take a number).  Work a post-grad internship (take a number).  Move in to your sister's basement spare bedroom (take a number).  And then wait.  

For a long time I kept saying, to myself and to others, "You know. . . when my 'real life' starts."  

Because I had decided (and then was trying to convince myself) that because I wasn't exactly where I thought I would be in life at 18 (or 20 or 21 or 23 or 24) years old, that things would change when I actually started 'real life.'  

This year, I emptied all the paper tabs out of my pockets, dug them out from between the few (but adequate) bills in my wallet, threw them into the air like Times Square New Year's confetti, and I got the heck out of line.  

I have let go of waiting for my 'real life' to start.  Mostly because it was a stupid idea to wait in the first place.  

Knock knock, puddin' head, this is your real life and while you wait for things to get perfect/cookie-cutter/easy/pretty/sugar-coated/ideal, life is marching right along.  Without you. 

My real life is not my dream job, but it is a really good job where I work with people who care about me professionally and personally and are investing as much into my continuing education and training as I am.

My real life is a little stress about finances, second guessing purchases, sometimes splurging, but lots of effort saving.  

My real life is making mistakes in relationships, learning when to let friendships go after they have turned sour or simply faded, and knowing when to hold tightly to those who are simply irreplaceable.

My real life is not foolishly waiting for things to change, (naively) assuming that change will only be positive. 

My real life is happening.  And I am not standing in line for another minute.  

What's All the Locomotion About?

I just had my Plastic Wunderkar (1999 Saturn Coupe) in the shop for some maintenance.  The trick to keeping one's car lasting a long time is to show it you care no more than 2 times a year.  No car washes.  Forget 'regularly scheduled' oil changes.  And the floors? Only vacuumed because  I was too embarassed for a stranger to see how messy she was.  Well, after an oil change, rotated tires, and a replace air filter (the last one was entirely blackened and came with its very own assortment of debris), she runs like a dream.

While I was at the shop at an ungodly 6:54 AM*, I was discussing with the technician the proper care for my car for the future.  You see, as of this June she is classified as a "high mileage car" after celebrating her hundred-thousandth mile.  I think this qualifies us for some sort of discount at Perkins, right?  The technician asked "How many miles would you say you have put on her in the last year?"  And I thought about it, and remembered the sticker I had pulled of the windshield that would have indicated I was approximately 1000 miles overdue for an oil change and then realized my last oil change was September 2009**.  11 months ago.  Which means, I put about 4500 miles on the Wunderkar in a year. 

Such low mileage on my vehicle, you must be thinking that graduate school makes young adults into total hermits who stew in their home for days drinking stale coffee, eating cheesy crackers, and muttering incoherent absurdities about social theory and the spread of pandemic flu.  And you're right; story over. 

Just kidding (kind of).  In the last two years, multiple forces have been pressuring me into exploring alternate modes of moving myself- and occasionally my crap- from one place to another without getting into my car.  First, the field of public health is filled to the brim with health-food hippies, germophobic liberals, and green planet paratroopers.  Which I love.  But it does create a lot of interesting social pressures sometimes: eat veggies, not Kit Kats.  Work out, don't watch movies all night and drink your weight in hot chocolate.  Bike or take public transit, don't drive.  So I bought a bus pass and that opened up all kinds of new wonderful-- I could bus to school, bus to downtown, bus to the store!  Then I started biking more and I could bike to work, bike to the store, bike to races! And I moved somewhere that had almost everything I needed in a few blocks radius and I could walk to get coffee, walk to work out, walk to the bar, walk to the tattoo parlor (just kidding!). 

As you mostly know, I have traded my urban apartment with "character" for suburban basement living while I am between phases of life and thus have traded my mode of transportation to: the Light Rail!  There is a whole lot I could say about riding the train- the people are interesting, the security is sometimes oppressively good, and the train is consistently kept at a frigid 59 degrees. But it is lovely in a million ways!  There is no epic, traffic-jam ridden drives, no out of control parking fees downtown, keeps my gas guzzling to a minimum, and I have completed more books by reading on the train than ever before***. 

Just bought my first non-student pass for the train.  Helloooooooo, cheap and easy commute.  Where do I get my green planet paratrooper outfit, hat, and button? 


*I didn't always know there was even a 6:54 AM.  I miss school. 
** I know, I know, I know, Mom and Dad, that I should be changing my oil more often regardless of mileage.  But really, on a scale of Never to Always, my track record for timely responsibility hovers where? That's what I thought, so this news is not likely surprising anyone. 
***Post-grad school spoiler alert: When you finish school you can READ FOR FUN! Did you know that existed?! I had totally totally forgotten...

By The Numbers, Worst Blogger Ever Edition

Um, I have no excuses for the way in which I have dropped off the face of the blogging planet.  I bet all my old followers are gone; even my parents.  Awesome.  Well, I will catch you up on the last month with everyone's favorite format: By the Numbers!

2: The number of triathlons I have now completed in my lifetime.  #3 (hopefully) happens Aug. 1, 2010 in Duluth, MN.

8: The number of ladies that traveled to the City of Lakes for a fabulous bachelorette party for a very dear college friend*. 

543:  The miles driven (round trip) to be in said college friend's beautiful  wedding.  It is truly a wonderful blessing and honor to be invited to be a member of anyone's wedding party and celebrate their love.  Plus, a free dance party in a fancy dress is ALWAYS on this mugwump's agenda. 

2,763: The number of words cut from my Masters Project to make it a manuscript.  Publishing? Maybe.  Maybe not. But it's a good experience nonetheless. 

10(ish): The number of weeks I have been in my internship at the City of Minneapolis.  Also, the number of weeks I have LOVED my job at the City of Minneapolis.

7:1: The odds I will place a $2 bet on a losing horse at the races. 

19: The number of days left on our lease in Uptown.  The move is bittersweet.  Excited to be moving in with my sister and brother-in-law, but terribly heartbroken to leave the fabulous women I have been living with for the last 14 months.  Although, as one roommate put it, a physical move at this point in our lives is simply a tangible manifestation of the real moves we are all making: moving towards careers and independence.  Forward motion is always positive, even if it occasionally results in the physical departure from things and people we have held very dear. 

1: The number of golden birthdays we each get. 

12: The number of days until my one and only golden birthday.

Bajillion: The amount of fun (on a scale of 1-10) I plan on having that day.**

* So weird to call people "college friends," as if I were really that far from the time I spent in college. 
** Good, clean, safe fun. 

Office Culture

Update: Love the job still.  Although, I was thinking about it the other day and I've never had a job I didn't at least like a little, and I look back on all my jobs with some fondness.  So, maybe I am just one of those lucky young people that enjoys being productive and being social.  Maybe the weariness of the work world hasn't yet rubbed off on me.

One thing I am definitely having a hard time adjusting to is Office Culture.  It's not (really) the social part, I seem to get along with my coworkers really well and the whole department is a lot of fun.  It's the little things I don't seem to pick up on.

The following are things I still need to learn:

• A meeting scheduled at 2:30 will not actually start until 2:40, even when all the attendants are in the office.  
• The actual meeting won't start until 2:50 because everyone will talk about their grandchildren, dogs, gardens, or window treatments.  Yeaaaaah.
• No one comes into the office at 8 am.  No one.  
• No one stays at the office until 4:30.  No one.  
• You don't really have to be accountable for where you are during the day, as long as work gets done.  
• Outlook Calendar.  That shit is confusing.  Update/Propose a New Time/Tentative/Out of the Office. Gah- where's the "I don't wanna" button?

Dear Beholder, Behold!

Earlier this week I caught an interesting article in an old issue of O magazine (the reading material at the Y isn't always all one might hope).  The first half of the article was written by a mother who admittedly was over-obsessed about her daughter's weight when she was a child, to the point of restricting food and (inadvertently) only showing praise for her daughter's efforts and accomplishments in physical appearance.  The second half of the article was written by the daughter, who is now a 27 year-old young woman who admits that for many years she thought her mother's love was conditional on her being thin and beautiful.  At 27, after battling diets, excessive exercise, disordered eating, and struggles maintaining her mental health, she is overweight and part of a growing movement of "fat acceptance," which challenges people to accept that bodies have various shapes and that overweight does not always equate to someone who is lazy and unhealthy*.

I don't know that you could find many young women who could honestly admit that they have never had some sort of hang up about their body.  We seem to love getting together and poking at our own bellies, bemoaning over "how fat we've gotten." We say ridiculous things like "I wish I had..." or "I hate my..."  We look in closets bursting at the seams with sweaters and bright tees and fret over having "nothing to wear." 

Anyway, after reading the article I had like, 23 minutes left to go on my bike workout and I got to thinking about what does beautiful mean?  It's clearly subjective, and there is the pop-culture waif of beauty that we seem to torment ourselves with (because seeing your ribs pop out of your chest is so in).  While being the independent, fiercely outspoken, slightly confrontational young woman I have been for some time now, at points in my life I definitely struggled with my own ideas of whether or not I was someone that other people considered beautiful.  So I made myself a little list.  And it's kind of a vain list, I will be honest.  But sometimes, you just have to do that.  And I don't struggle with the idea of my own beauty much anymore.  This is not to say that I always love the shape my body takes, but I don't question 'beautiful' like I used to.  Anyhow, getting on with the list.

To a young, thoroughly Modern Mugwump, beauty is:
1.  The confidence to rock a pretty eclectic pair of stockings and purple shoes at an event.
2.  Deciding that decisions to engage in adventures would no longer be made on the size or shape of my body (read: signing up for my second triathlon and countless 5Ks).
3.  Choosing outfits based on what they highlight and showcase about me (like some wicked blue eyes or totally buff calves) rather than what they hide or mask (like a squishy winter belly or linebacker shoulders).
4.  Bearing striking resemblance to great-grandparents on both sides of the family.
5.  Reaching in to my admittedly shallow wallet so the woman in front of me who realized, at the register, that she couldn't afford her groceries wouldn't put back the produce to save a few bucks.** 

6.  Making original art accessible (although if you want a Mugwump Masterpiece, act quickly as prices are likely to rise as my time becomes more and more limited/precious).

So I reject the idea that beauty is completely what's inside.  After all, even you are thinking the most delightful and generous things, are you really being beautiful if you don't act, at least once in a while?  Realistically, our actions aren't always above and beyond.  I don't buy everyone's groceries, or make art for any price.  Sometimes we all go home and sit on the couch and watch Oprah.  And we have to-- that's how she shares her beauty.***

I looked and looked for good quotes about beauty to start this post off with, but found nothing that did it real service.  And in the theory that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I realized that you must behold it first before you can give your beautiful self and beautiful talents to others.  You are always the first beholder of your own beauty, even if you don't first recognize it.

-------
*While I respect that bodies come in different sizes, trust me I respect it, it is important to remember that the idea that just because an overweight person is not currently experiencing known symptoms of disease or illness, it is a risk factor for serious diseases such as diabetes, heart problems, and cancers.  And a lot of people just don't know they are ill.  So there is a balance between being plush, chubby, round, padded, or whatever else those of us who carry a few bonus pounds, and being unhealthy.  
** In studying social inequalities of health, I have decided that it is heartbreaking that apples and broccoli are much more expensive than Cheetos and Oreos.  
*** I get it, this is probably a judgment call.  You may not like Oprah, but let's admit it, she has done some beautiful things during her career and she relies on viewers and followers for that.  

The Requisite New Year Post in Which All Old Things are Redocumented and New Things Dreamed Up

Every blogger does it.  And I shall ride the blogging wave by detailing what happened in 2009 and what is coming in 2010.  Think of it as Modern Mugwump Cliff's Notes if you haven't been reading that closely for the last 12 months.

2009 was the year I:
Started a blog, got a job (and quit the same job), made some art, started (and later quit) a 365 day photo project, vacationed in the hippiest and most fantastic place I have been to in recent history, tested physical boundaries by running my first Buffalo Triathlon and the 200 mile Great River Ragnar Relay, tested mental boundaries with summer classes, semester projects, and the most grueling semester I have survived to date, found out more about myself in three mile intervals around Minneapolis lakes than I thought possible for one summer, turned 23, went to theater/music events twice at the lovely Guthrie, visited the Walker on dozens of occasions, loved every minute of the Uptown Art Fair (also twice), asked the Minneapolis Fire Department to steal my bike only so an actual thug could steal it two weeks later, was in my college roommate's wedding, asked to be in my college best friend's wedding next summer, bought an awesome new-to-me bike, landed a gig as a wedding photographer, bought custom Nike running shoes, landed an internship I loved for an organization I support, made my best Halloween costume to date, surprised myself and a handful of professors with my ability to work under pressure, still suffered a few academia-induced meltdowns, said goodbye to a beloved pet for the second year in a row, made some friends, made some laughs, moved to a new apartment in Uptown I adore (with excellent roommates), and tried to squeeze the marrow out of each day that floated past-- with mixed results but an overall feeling of success.

What will 2010 hold?  There are a few things I know for almost sure:
Graduate, get a big-kid job, run the Buffalo Triathlon, run the Muddy Buddy race with Kim, continue to make art, continue to consider the three mile loop around Lake of the Isles "mine," turn 24 on my golden birthday!*, face challenges I can probably not even dream of but I feel confident that I can overcome.

Hopes for 2010:
I don't really know, actually.  I hope that I can be injury-free and successful in my races, that school provides me enough challenge to know that I have earned the degree but not so much that I run fleeing from the University, that my relationships with family and friends stay strong, that something I do (large or small) makes someone happier or relieved for even a moment, that I continue to surprise myself by trying new things and taking calculated, but exhilarating risks.

Resolutions?  Meh, not really, but if I think about "starting over" in the New Year, there are a few things I would like to try, like: better organization and time management, better/more meaningful communication with friends, and learning to cook awesome food (think more Asian inspired dishes, learning to cook fresh fish, and maybe even an attempt at sushi).  I guess I would like to expand my "life learning" in general after 18 solid years of dedicating myself almost solely to academic learning.  We'll see what happens.

Happy New Year to all of you-- thank you for logging in for the last year!  I enjoy this blogging project a lot more than I thought I would, so you can probably count on me sticking around for at least another year.  And maybe I will even post another picture or two.  Maybe-- a little Mugwump Cliff's (Notes) Hanger.**

*About 6 months of shopping time left.  Pool your resources, I want an espresso maker and/or my own island/vineyard/mountain range/other ridiculously extravagant geographical feature.  Or a giraffe.  Or an airplane ticket somewhere awesome.  Or not awesome but with awesome people?  Ah, nevermind, surprise me.

** I hope you got that joke, but it's okay if you didn't.  I debated for a solid 6 minutes about its inclusion.  The jury is still out.

Horoscopes are Bogus, Except When They're Not

I don't really believe in the predictive power of horoscopes, and I figure they only relate to people because they are so vague and happen to touch on universal truths of the common (wo)man. However, my horoscope for today was so dead ringer I choked on a Kix.

Whatever the rules, you will fully investigate their flexibility.

The only flaw? That's really more my life horoscope. If I was a super hero, this would be my mantra.

Warning: This is a Bit "Stream of Consciousness-esque"

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning. And yet I am happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? -- Charles Schulz

It's a curious thing, the measurement of happiness. Sometimes I catch a toothy smile reflecting at me in the mirror, and ask "What do you have to be so happy about?" And on the surface, it seems like maybe not much.

I have no job, and thus no income, but still have bills. I eventually will owe back to the government all of the money I have borrowed from them to be in school. The amount of money I owe them is more than the total worth of all of my possessions combined. I "work" well over 40 or 50 hours per week on school and internship things, and when I am not working on those things I am thinking about them. They stress me out, which is not always physically or mentally healthy. I do not see friends and family as often as I like, it has been almost a year since I had the chance to visit Fargo, I have not been able to see my out-of-state grandparents in a painfully long time. I eventually have to look for a real big-kid job in a crapper of an economy. I am in a class that makes me feel stupid- and that almost never happens. And the homework I am doing is researching babies dying from diarrhea. I mean, if that's not reason enough to think about new career choices, I do NOT know what is.

Ooof, that list of less than happy things is totally not short. But tonight, I shirked homework responsibilities (a little) to watch Grey's Anatomy with my roommates, who I adore. And then I made chocolate chip cookies, including one the size of my face for my roommate's boyfriend. And I don't go out often anymore, but I appreciate the times that I do a whole lot more. And I don't know when the next Sunday dinner at my parent's house will be, but I am so excited for it because it is always the perfect rest and relaxation I need, even if only for a few hours. Today, for the first time, I ran without my headphones in. The first mile totally sucked. My pace was all over, I couldn't concentrate, it was awful. But the last 2 miles-- so cool. I got to enjoy all my favorite parts of my neighborhood and tune into the dog park, and the honking traffic, and the hippie playing guitar at the lake, and kids jumping in the leaves. All while doing one of my newly favorited activities.

On the surface, I think most people would think I am crazy for allowing myself to be in the situation I am in (unemployed, nearly-broke, frazzled single grad student). But somewhere, even where I don't know, there's a secret to this because I am ridiculously happy (and I have not had a beer tonight either). That's so cool.

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads. -- Albert Camus

Good night, loves.

Two Glasses of Wine, A Bubble Bath and a Blinking Cursor? This Could Be Dangerous.

Impossible Things I Have Thought This Week:

1. I wonder if I could just stay up all night, not to study, but to get some time to just chill?

2. I think I will run the lake twice this morning.

3. It is easy to turn down an invite to Chipotle with a super great friend.

4. It won't take that long to clean my room.

5. A bowl full of Tootsie Rolls isn't really tempting.

6. I could live in Seattle.*

7. If I eat a HUGE meal in the morning, it will last me all day and I won't have to pack a lunch.**

8. If I just drink two (or so) glasses of wine and take an hour long bubble bath, I will come out rejuvenated and motivated to get things accomplished in the rest of my evening.

*Five straight days of rain and no sunlight has made me a very gloomy person. At first I was going to blame the bad mood on a whole host of other things (school is busy, work stinks, I am disorganized. . . yada yada yada). But as soon as the sun came out today, and all else held true, I felt better. Which is actually good. I would rather know that I wasn't going to be stuck in a bad mood on a beautiful day.

** Eating a huge morning meal accomplishes one thing, and only one thing: and uncomfortable tummy on the bus ride to school, a sleepy first class, and insatiable hunger around 11 am. Epic fail in digestive management on my part.

23 Things Learned in 23 Years

I survived 23 years. At first I was thinking there should be some sort of award for this, and then realized there is: starting year 24. In honor of my birthday, I thought I would share with you 23 important lessons that I have learned so far in my 23 humble years.

1. Life isn't fair, and that's okay. It's still good.

2. You will never make friends with an animal by pulling its tail. However, dressing it in doll clothes and strapping it into a stroller has slightly positive, albeit mixed, results.

3. Siblings often turn out to be best friends that just happen to have the same parents.

4. There are countless opportunities to express yourself creatively. Find the one that fits your space, your budget, and your talents.

5. Healthy confidence will absolutely sky-rocket when you learn to be proud of the things you have worked hard for. Never be afraid to admit that you are proud of your major (or minor) accomplishments.

6. There is an ice cream flavor that is appropriate for any mood or situation.

7. It's never shameful to love your body exactly as it is, even if that's not what pop culture has told you.

8. There is not even enough time to put everything we want into our healthy, positive relationships. NEVER waste time on friends/lovers/co-workers who are toxic.

9. You will be happier not knowing what other people are thinking about you.

10. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, you'd grab yours back.

11. No matter the situation, or how confident you already are, putting on a dress makes you feel pretty.

12. Just because it's free, does not mean you have to have it.

13. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. The truly steadfast stay good people after bad things happen.

14. At some point, you will be the root of someone's pain. When you recognize, own it.

15. Label and date your leftovers.

16. Never be embarrassed by your hobbies or things that make you happy.

17. Not everyone is going to love you. Some will not love you more politely than others.

18. You were handed one of the best life resources at birth: your parents. Use them wisely.

19. Follow the care instructions on articles of clothing you like.

20. Have opinions and share them with an open mind and ears.

21. Most people do not want to hurt or harm you, and do so only to cover their own hurt, or completely on accident. Think of that before hurt feelings and anger turn in to action.

22. Don't spend more time wanting than doing.

23. Run when you can, walk when you have to, crawl if you must. But always move forward.