Confessions of a Hypersensitive, Overactive, Toy-Destroying Border Collie

Regarding my body:

• I do not understand that in the last 9 months I have been with this family, I have gone from a young pup to a full-size adult dog.  I anticipate being able to fit in spaces such as laps, car seats, and through gaps that are still puppy sized.  
• Unlike other dogs, I am built entirely of elbows.  You may not understand this now, but when I flop myself into your body, you will feel each of them in the bony, digging, sharp manner in which elbows are often thrust. 
• Coordinated movements are fined tuned if I am fetching something, chasing something, chewing something, or trying to sneak out of trouble.  I move like a floppy scarecrow if I am walking, getting off the couch, going through doorways, getting in or out of the car, or turning a corner.  

Regarding my behavior:

• Not only do I warn new people that this is MY house when they come in by barking in random directions, I remind them again when they leave four hours later, even if they have spent the majority of that time rubbing my belly and tossing a ball.  
• I am constantly needing to go outside to check on the status of my toys.  All of the balls in the yard must be congregated in the place of my choice.  If they are not, they will be.  
• My feelings get hurt terribly easily by the following words, phrases, or actions: taking away the ball, "dammit", "go lay down", petting the cats in my presence, leaving me behind for any reason, closing the microwave too loud, asking me not to lay on your clean laundry, accidentally getting kicked because I take up two-thirds of the couch, not being able to sit on my human's lap on the freeway, anything that happens in Petsmart other than letting me carry a squeaky tennis ball around the building, "give me that, please, we need to pay for it."
• I spend my entire day herding things like toys, buildings, parked cars, etc.  By the time I come in for the night, I am exhausted.  My bedtime is strictly no later than 10 pm and I am not interested in starting bed time in my human's bed, on the couch, or on the floor.  Bedtime is observed exclusively in my crate.  Which I love.